


In Which Nile Freeman Didn't Sign Up For This

by Allregretto



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Comedy, Crack, Drugs, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Gen, Humor, Immortal family, Immortality, Intoxication, M/M, Nile Freeman Needs a Raise, Ridiculous, Stupidity, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, just kidding crack is bad, more than one kind of crack, so much intoxication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25711756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allregretto/pseuds/Allregretto
Summary: Nile learns the consequences of trying to be the sober babysitter for her immortal comrades.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 16
Kudos: 195





	In Which Nile Freeman Didn't Sign Up For This

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this. I don't really know why. Guys, it's dumb, it's really dumb. But I hope at least a few of you will get a chuckle out of it.

If Nile Freeman had learned nothing else thus far in her brief stint of immortality, she had at least learned that twenty-six years (her entire lifespan) was not a long time. Certainly not long enough to amass the regrets that haunted Andy’s eyes, when she thought nobody was looking.

That said, Nile felt that she had every right to regret _this_.

 _This_ being another entry in what would someday become Nile Freeman’s Diary of Unbelievable Bullshit, Courtesy of Nicky, Joe, and Andy. While the pot wasn’t her idea, _per se_ , she hadn’t exactly been against it, either. The Molly definitely was _not_ her idea, and she also hadn’t banked on Nicky coming back with mushrooms for the group to smoke instead of eat. She wasn’t entirely convinced that the last one wouldn’t have killed a lesser mortal, honestly.

The novelty of not dying _no matter how bad you fuck up_ had not yet worn off for Nile, so she had gallantly offered to be the sober babysitter while the other three immortals partook. Liberally. _Very liberally_.

Andy, Joe, and Nicky had exchanged looks, and badly concealed smirks; shrugged and told her _suit yourself_.

Now Nile regretted _everything_.

She had already rescued Joe and Nicky from the roof of their remote cabin as the two (shameless) lovers had insisted on trying (failing) to reenact that scene from _Titanic_. Andy had even tried (failed) to whistle _My Heart Will Go On_ while Nile dragged the two back down from the roof.

“Kids today have no appreciation for romance!” Joe had complained, dramatically, as Nile had tried to gently (sanely) coax them back down. “Nicky, my love, we must teach our new sister the importance of romance!”

“A love like ours-“ Nicky never got to finish his proclamation, because his balance had tipped and Nile dove forward and caught his arm before both men could tumble down to the ground below.

Nile (almost) wished she had just let them break their necks. Then at least she wouldn’t have to be sober alone.

She’d turned to Andy, their rock, their leader, their sanity, _oh please sweet Andy don’t make me deal with this nonsense alone wait Andy oh my god put the labrys down_ —

Before she could even voice a protest to whatever fresh hell awaited her next, Joe and Nicky were chanting “Madrid 1892!” and throwing dollars, euros, and coins of all types as Andy grabbed a few extra blades (as well as her labrys, _why hadn’t Nile thought to hide the sharp things?!_ ) and took a theatric bow.

“Andy wait, please put those down—” Nile’s protests were ignored as Andy rose from her bow and tossed her blades with a flourish, juggling them with far more grace than should have been possible for someone who had likely just pounded enough hallucinogens to believe that she was dancing on Jupiter’s moons.

Nile froze, fearing that any distractions would lead to split skulls. Joe and Nicky, _traitorous fucks_ , cheered raucously and continued to throw their pocket money. Nile pocketed a bit of their offerings herself. In no universe should she be forced to do this for free.

If Andy noticed Nile sneaking some of her winnings, she didn’t show it, eventually bringing her showcase of both otherworldly hand-eye coordination and the failings of Darwinism to a close by sinking her labrys deep into the bark of a nearby tree with a single toss. Without looking.

She dropped the remaining blades before Nile could work up the nerve to try and confiscate them, fixing her with a shamelessly boastful _how do you like them apples_ stare.

“Wow, Andy, that was really…. _Something_.” Niles choked out, because clearly their leader expected some sort of response from her and she was already so far out of her depth.

Andy’s only response to Nile’s praise (?) was a smug wink, followed by ( _oh God not again_ ) Joe and Nicky clamoring that it was their turn.

“Wait, no, STOP!” Nile finally shouted. “It is not your turn _it is nobody’s turn!_ ” Nile ignored Joe and Nicky’s booing and Andy’s eyeroll that would have been more at home on a highschooler than a woman with millennia to her name.

“Now, let’s all go inside. Doesn’t that sound like a great idea?” Nile tried to make herself sound eager, but it came out closer to strangled.

The childish protests from the other three made it clear she was going to lose this battle, and maybe some blood too, if things continued like this. Unless…

“Wait, how about a _bet_?” Nile emphasized the word “bet” the way one might say “treat” to a dog, but the three pairs of eyes now on her, suddenly rapt with interest, told her it was the right move.

“I’ll tell you what the _bet_ is, but only if we all go inside first.” Nile maintained eye contact with the three immortals in a brief staredown, before their drug-induced inability to hold focus for more than a few seconds kicked in and all three clambered towards the door, Joe and Nicky tripping in more ways than one as they raced to be the first inside to hear about the bet. 

“Andy, wait, no!” Niles scolded as firmly as she could manage. “You put those knives down!”

Andy looked like she was going to just ignore her but Nile wasn’t ready to concede this (particularly dangerous) point.

“No bet unless you leave the blades outside.” Andy paused at this. “You want to hear the _bet_ , don’t you?” Nile managed to cover her exasperated desperation with enough enthusiasm to convince Andy, because she discarded her knives with an indignant (bratty) huff, and followed the other two inside.

Now, Nile just had to come up with a bet.


End file.
